The Secret To Being Confident, Not Cocky
by Dan Miranda on June 7, 2009
in Self-Fulfillment
Believe in yourself.
There is only once chance you have to becoming confident. It should honestly be something you live by. And that is to believe in yourself.
I covered thirty reasons for believing in yourself in a recent post, but I’m going to tell you why it’s extremely important that take the time to build confidence that doesn’t result in cockiness.
Now the problem with me relaying this point to you is that I happen to be on the touch side of cockiness myself. The point of this post is primarily to help you, of course, but also to assist me to get over that stupid braggart side of myself.
Normally I would tell you to believe you are the greatest person in the world. But I see a problem with that, don’t you? If you walked into a party and went up to countless people telling them, “I am the greatest person in the world” they would a) think of you as a joke or b) turn their back on you.
The dilemma with believing that you are the greatest person in the world is that this often comes across as quite rude. There is a way around this, however. What if we were to believe that we were the greatest person in the world… to ourselves. How would we be impacted?
The secret to being confident – and not cocky – is to act humble. All the time. My best friend constantly does this to such an extent where he has met countless of his national famous mentors (but more on that in a later post).
Personally, it would be a huge benefit for me if I had something to rely on. If I can benefit from it, I’ll assume you can too. So here is three easy steps you can take toward acting humble. For anyone who has ever boasted and bragged their butt around, this is for you:
Three Easy Steps Toward Acting Humble
1. Do something nice. I’m not sure if I can say it any simpler, but I’m going to try to. There is no possible way you can start to act like a humbler person if you don’t do something nice in the first place. Let’s put it this way: I’m assuming you have been on a constant streak of rudeness and discontent – nothing personal. Taking action with your life and starting to understand that being nice is a two way street is the best thing you can do. Humble will be the first word in your head.
2. Have a voice in the back of your head. Speaking of having a words in your head, you have to make sure that you are constantly thinking of being humble. Sounds like a hassle until you get used to it. You will have made the change quickly. Just drill it into your head. One word: humble
3. Take a deep breath. Perhaps it is only me, but I find on the rare occasion I do take a deep breath, it helps immensely. The benefits have short and long term effects. Whenever I feel like telling the world that I am an extraordinary human being, I take a deep breath. Works like a charm.
Hi Dan,
Great post as usual! I feel that for me one of the biggest things towards being confident, in a way that is totally not cocky at all is to be in to moment. Knowing that there now is great and now is beautiful really helps me be me, and I am confident when I know I am myself. It helps break through those restricting barriers that social conditioning has built up around us.
Simon
Hi Dan,
Great post as usual. True confidence is quiet confidence. I mean the type of confidence where you don’t need to mention it or explain it to others.
I read in one of Richard Bandler’s books on NLP, that we shouldn’t seek confidence alone. We should also seek the skills and knowledge to back it up. For example, I can visualize myself being a confident volleyball player, but if I am not that good a player, then my confidence becomes less effective. But its always a great idea to belive in ones self and then move forward.
Thanks for stimulating our brains.
Koorosh
http://www.kooroshvahabi.com
Awesome points made in this post. I’m a big fan of being confident. I think some people are so scared of being cocky that they don’t really realize that being confident is completely different. It’s important to be confident AND humble and I think you’ve done an excellent job of illustrating those points here.
Dan,
Humility is the anchor that will keep your confidence in check. Okay, I am trying to sound wise, but this is what I came up with, short of starting a poem here in the comment section of your post. he he he.
I do believe that confidence may sometimes be misconstrued as cockiness. A self check would probably make us more aware of what we do. Unfortunately, a majority of the time, the milk has been spilled and there is nothing else to do but to wipe it off the table.
Z
Cockiness is being indifferent to the feelings/concerns of other people as long as you get what you want, while humility is succeeding and knowing that there were people along the way who had helped in one way or another; so you don’t own the success but you own it in behalf of people who have helped you to be where you are.
One specific example is an artist receiving an acting award:
The cocky one will say, “I’m honored by this award and I just knew I would win.”
The humble one will say: “In behalf of all the people behind this project, I accept this award.”
lol….but Zorlone is right,sometimes it is mistaken as cockiness or of being cheeky (wink)
Simon – Living in the moment is such an important aspect of life. It lets you follow your gut and live your dreams. It’s essential for anyone who wants success. Thanks for the splendid compliments and post earlier!
Koorosh – Confidence is so much more powerful when it is backed up with solid skill. Just like in your analogy, talent can be found anywhere from the simplest things like volleyball.
Positively Present - Thank you. I feel like someone who is shy forgets that being fully aware of who they are is just as important as being respectful.
Zorlone – I hate when the milk spills! What a lot of people forget, however, is that spilling milk can be cleaned up, all it takes is a tad bit of drive and motivation.
Jena – You have illustrated an illusive point with this comment. Thanking the people who got you to your big moment is just as important as being thankful to yourself.
Dan, a great post on an important life-skill topic…
I have built-up my confidence over the years while striving to avoid cockiness by refraining from any comparative generalizations, positive or negative. I see myself and others as complex human beings, with innumerable characteristics, never completely knowable. I measure myself primarily against my former self rather than against others. In any given characteristic I may be stronger or weaker than I was before. I stay aware that for any characteristic for which I have achieved some degree of mastery, there will be someone who is better, someone who is worse, and there will always be other characteristics in which I remain hopelessly inept. That’s not only okay, it’s being simply human.
Realizing this, I can be comfortable with being good at something without talking in absolutes, or needing others to be “less” than me. And I avoid underestimating others, as it is impossible to know – especially given only a first impression – what their strengths might be.
Confidence is fuel. Openness to having your self-evaluations constantly adjusted is sightedness. Cockiness is blindness to the complexity and subtlety of the vast human world.
Are you a college professor suited to giving long talks on the psychology behind the human brain, or that of your own, Mr. Rotzien?
One of the top comments all time, in our short history, here on Command Your Time. In essence what you said was that knowing yourself before you improve is essential to improving itself because your former self becomes a way for you to judge the future.
Dan,
I’m no professor, but for a long time I’ve been an amateur (but determined) student of the mind-and-heart and how to make life “work” in a very pragmatic way. I take an empirical approach (non-judgmental) but a holistic framework (recognize and embrace both complexity and the limits of what is knowable) to gradually refine how I live effectively with myself and others.
You’re correct in inferring the technique of using one’s self as a benchmark to measure improvement, but I want to emphasize the importance of avoiding making your confidence dependent on comparing yourself to others in a zero-sum way, since the complexity of human individuals precludes any meaningful generalized direct comparisons.
To use a common simile, it is not wrong because it is like “comparing apples to oranges”; it is much more wrong than that because it is like comparing orchards to orchards, orchards that cannot be completely seen or inventoried! There is no point to it or value to be taken from it. Simplistic comparisons prove nothing, and worse, they can obscure the opportunities a person has to learn yet more about themselves, and possibly choose to make new improvements, or pursue an entirely new course of personal exploration. In fact, they can harmful to the self.
The World is so much bigger and richer than we commonly realize. Just as an example, imagine a top athlete or top student in a particular high school in a particular small town. They may fall prey to simple, zero-sum comparisons with their few peers to bolster their ego. It may become a habit and then a basis for their self-image. What happens when they dare to leave that small town? Are they likely to continue winning the zero-sum game they’ve adopted? Does the World automatically make accommodations for their self-image to ensure their cockiness is never shaken? Having built this fragile system of self-worth, are they likely to learn anything when they are inevitably put in their place?
Cockiness is narrow, delusional and brittle. It is based on very little data and feels good only until it’s really tested. Then it can be a severe liability. Confidence is about knowing how to adapt, survive and then thrive – not about perpetually feeling superior. Confidence has humility built-in.
I’m a fan of confidence as an adaptation capability, always up for revision. Neither victories nor failures are necessarily permanent; no ideas apply in all cases; certainty is not attainable. Best to simply keep getting better, on your own evolving personal measures.
(BTW, “Trevor” works for me).
I feel like a translation of your comment could be equivelent to something like this: “Confidence can always be changed because there is no one situation that fits all.”
My translation, I feel, is essential to the human race. Indirectly we would become more of a group of people based on less fighting and more knowledge.
Bearing back to your first paragraph, I am interested in knowing why you think “gradually refining” who you are is so important? Why is it so important to advance those around you? (Just trying to play devil’s advocate to get some more excellent response.)
I’m finding your blog and your perspective valuable. Thank you!
One phrase that struck me in your post is “acting humble,” which made me think about the importance of actually “becoming” humble. It’s easy to act in a way that looks humble to the rest of the world while inside is still self-focused. Becoming humble is a challenge to my inner life; my natural selfishness has to gradually die off for humility to grow. Something I’ve been trying is consciously making little invisible sacrifices of self. For example, I might want to tell a friend about my own interests but they are wrapped up in telling me theirs. So I be quiet and really listen. Give the moment to them, even if my selfishness would rather not. No one else might realize this inner struggle. When I release my need to have it be about me at that moment, humility has fertile ground to grow.
admitting your cockiness is a humbling step
we are all only human.